Every relationship begins on a very basic level and occasionally grows deeper and more profound. If the relationship is gifted or blessed with true potential, then it can grow into a fantastic partnership where both people experience the love and rewards of a mutually fulfilling friendship. The LoveStar is a map that is designed to give people the directions to help determine if they fit together well and how that connection can be improved if possible.

Starting at the top, where the star points toward the sky. This I refer to as the SPIRITUAL direction which represents the gift of UNITY. This is where the mystical nature of love resides, it is where you will discover whether there is a real bond between the two of you or not. Unity means that something makes both people feel that they rather be together than apart, they both believe that when they are together they are like “one”. Unity is used to describe what happens when people bond and experience the world differently; they are no longer just two individuals but, have become a unit, a pair, a couple. Now they look at the world differently and the world sees them differently as well. This is a social archetype, a religious one, and a legal one when two people get married. We become aware of this notion of being a couple from childhood, hopefully growing up in a “family” ourselves. The concepts of love, family, marriage, romance, happiness exist throughout every aspect of our society, in every culture, across every nation and around the world. The images that these words create are similar regardless where one looks. So why is it so hard to find and build a successful partnership of love and happiness? There are many reasons that make it truly difficult but, no one can claim that it is impossible.

Anyone can find UNITY, love and happiness. It would help if you would have a map of how to get there. The STAR holds all the keys you need to find your way. The reason UNITY is at the top is that it is the “lifting” energy for a relationship. It may be true that what attracts two people together is often their physical appearance, some sort of instinctual drive gets engaged but, soon after getting “close” both individuals look at each other and begin to ask more serious questions: “Could I live the rest of my life with that person, do I really love them?” and that starts the mystical inquiry about becoming bonded to the other person. That is when UNITY becomes so important. The best thing two people can find is ‘love at first sight’ when both feel the excitement of attraction equally.

One arm of the STAR refers to NURTURANCE. The meaning of this term is found in how each person takes care of the other with respect to their physical needs, emotional ones as well as the material and spiritual needs. Love awakens this urge for you to either be “maternal” or “paternal” as the case may toward your partner. The key word here is nurturing, sharing responsibilities and helping each other achieve more in life. True love creates a desire in both individuals to support each other through all walks of life. This does not necessarily have to be along traditional lines rather, it often requires that both people seek unique and special ways to make their partner happy, healthy, safe and prosperous. More than anything else if we become aware of our mate’s potentials then it is up to us to help them strive for and reach those potentials. Nurturance refers to the direction we push and pull our love in. Everyone needs a push or a pull sometime, especially if it is from your partner.

The next arm refers to the aspect of SHARING in the joys and pains of life from the level of the mind, body and spirit. This reflects both individual’s ability and desire to look at the world through each others eyes, especially in terms of the past, present and future. The key word is shared vision. This is what makes each partner feel special and valuable to the other. It is one’s interest in their opinion, their experience of life that helps you feel whole and satisfied. This aspect is expressed through our curiosity about how our partner sees, hears or feels something. It is not necessary that we share similar views but that both partners have a genuine interest in the other’s experience. However, it is important that we share similar dreams and goals for the future. In this manner both partners participate in the construction of the world they live in and this allows for celebration of life and that makes the difficult moments pass by more easily.

Then one leg of the star refers to COMPATIBILITY this aspect reveals how many ways two people fit together, first of all in body – how great is their sexual chemistry, then socially, intellectually, financially, emotionally, and spiritually. When two people have really great energy together, they rarely get bored or tired of each other, there is a constant stream of excitement between them. Compatibility refers to this sense of how well two people mix together, especially in making love, that is where we hopefully experience the exhilaration of that instinctual passion for life. Chemistry is physically manifested in love making, this is where the connection can be most concrete. There are many important factors. In general, the appetite and passion are either in synch or not. The questions are “how much sex” does each of you want – need, on a monthly basis; and secondly, does the passion match both partners. If there are big differences in these two aspects, then don’t fool yourself thinking that you have great chemistry, it may not really be.

The other leg of the star refers to FULFILLMENT which represents the things we do for love’s sake that promote a sense achievement within the relationship. In our everyday life we try to master the situation, we want to dominate to overcome but in a relationship it is more often a matter to make the other person happy to please them. The key word here is SURRENDER to your partner with the expectation that it will express your sense of love for them. It is not a matter of compromise, which has its place in the other aspects of the lovestar, here surrender refers to the complete giving in to the other’s needs or desires for the sake of love. When one surrenders it is not always easy but it should be with joy, to fulfill the other partner’s deepest needs. This aspect also represents each partner’s confidence to rely on one another, to be comfortable depending on each other. With this aspect the relationship is assured the survival through all sorts of difficulties.

All together, this represents the lovestar, and when each of these directions is satisfied among two people then they obviously share a tremendous partnership. If both agree that they fit together, that each aspect is present and fulfilled then they have the necessary ingredients to make their love work and enjoy a lasting relationship. These are rare. Even if one believes that they share every thing with their partner, this means that they have the potential to succeed. A great relationship requires a lot of work and time, something people these days are not always eager to invest enough of. Once these basic qualities are fulfilled then begins a life of passion, joy, adventure, excitement, tranquility, love and family. Good luck!

Counseling can help both partners better appreciate what you can be grateful for and be aware of what is missing. That information is vital to decide what to do, if possible, improve the relationship or if not, work to dissolve it amicably. I have helped many couples resolve their conflicts and find greater happiness. I have also given my support to the couples who determined that they cannot go on and must change their relationship. These are the most sensitive issues and difficult things we must deal with. I have the experience to help you better understand and deal with your relationship. Call my office to discuss your situation to see if you would like to have me help you work on it.

Copyright (c) 1996-2014 John Ryder, Ph.D.

To contact Dr. Ryder for a consult, please email or call the office. 212 779-4114


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